So I have some news that has kept me offline for a few weeks now…drum roll please…I am 12 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Yup, that’s right, I am playing host to a miraculous Bean the Second, and hoping he/she is actually healthy and growing well inside me. I have an ultrasound today, which will hopefully put my mind more at ease, but seriously, WTF!
I don’t know how this happened…I mean, I know how, but HOW? I was supposed to be infertile. It was all I knew, all I had come to know…hell, it had become part of my identity. “Hello, my name is Kerri, I’m 31, and I’m infertile. This is my daughter, Bean, who was conceived through IVF.”
Actually, about 8 weeks back I was making plans to see an RE, and thinking about thawed embryos and whether or not to travel back to Chicago for my FET. I had zero expectations that I would conceive naturally, ZERO! When I saw that second pink line, my mind froze, my hands shook and I went numb. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t elated, I was in shock.
For days after that, there were just a series of sensations that I ever expected to feel about a pregnancy…sadness, fear, guilt, more fear, more guilt, confusion, separation, disbelief, and did I mention fear.
Why was I so negative? Well, I was terrified for starters…thinking about the what ifs, and having two babies under 2…the plan had been to try naturally for a year, and when that didn’t work (which I KNEW it wouldn’t, but we had to try anyway), go for the FET when Bean would be turning 3. In the meanwhile, I would focus on Bean, and finding my dream career, and I would build a relationship with an RE and take care of all the necessary tests and screens. It was a well conceived plan…I thought.
It was so hard to feel connected to this new pregnancy, this new being. I didn’t really believe I was pregnant, and I was afraid of feeling something for this baby and then losing the pregnancy. I didn’t trust that everything would be okay, that I wouldn’t miscarry and wouldn’t need to pick up the pieces afterwards and go on with my life. My sister (who also has PCOS) had only recently lost a pregnancy at 10 weeks, and here I was, the supposedly infertile one, what chance did I have?
Though there was no emotional “connection” to speak of, I still felt every first trimester discomfort…I was constantly nauseated, breaking out like mad, gaining weight left and right, exhausted beyond anything I experienced the first time around, sick with a never ending series of viruses, unable to play with Bean or even take care of her the way I usually do, depressed and filled with anxiety and horrible, gut wrenching guilt. I felt so awful, that I think some part of me actually wanted the pregnancy to end, so I could just feel normal again and continue being Bean’s mommy and that’s all.
What changed me? I think it started the first time I saw the newest bub on an ultrasound monitor. I went for an early one, as I was having some pain on on my left side. The pain turned out to be from a ruptured cyst, but there was the bub, flickering away inside my uterus. My numb brain allowed the moment in for just a second, and I realized there were tears in my eyes. This was really happening.
A couple of weeks later, at my prenatal appointment there was no heart beat on the Doppler. Still, supposedly numb, I tried to ignore the sinking the feeling in my stomach and told myself it didn’t matter either way. I went the next day for an ultrasound, and there was the Bub…healthy, secure, doing just fine…more tears escaped, and more thoughts that maybe I was not so impartial to this new baby as I would have myself believe.
Now, at the end of my first trimester, and feeling far better than I have in months, I realize I am looking forward to today’s ultrasound and seeing the bub on the monitor once again. I am still plagued by fears and doubts, but I have sworn a promise to this new life growing inside me, that I will be better; I will take care of myself and him/her to the best of my abilities, and I will, given a bit more time, grow to love him/her as much as I do my first little Bean. I also know that I will begin to show and feel this baby moving very soon, and that that change alone will bring us closer and more in tune with one another with each passing day.
All went well at today’s ultrasound. The Bub was not cooperating at first and had to be jostled a bit, but he/she turned and the the tech was able to take all the necessary measurements. I got the thumbs up from the doc, and the chance to see my little one moving and grooving and waving his/her little hands all around. The photos I received from the tech, clearly show the baby’s brain, which was kind of freaky and kind of cool at the same time. It was an awful wait at the office, and Bean was losing it, making it hard to enjoy the moment, but it was still pretty amazing and, as usual, a bit surreal.