So, I know I have kind of given up on blogging…there never seems to be any time. But I thought I would give it a go again, as I have a moment to myself right now (both kids are “napping” – older one is kind of just pretending, but I’ll take it), and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have something I want to write about.
The last few months have been such a roller coaster, that I wouldn’t know where to start to talk about them, so I just won’t. I’ll just leave it that I had an amazing birth experience with my baby boy, totally different from the complications of my first birth, and overall things have been great. Bean is adjusting well, and she seems to like her new brother – “Bunny” – and everyone is relatively healthy, despite the various winter bugs.
I guess this post is really more about me, and not my babies. Yesterday, I went for an overdue massage, and I found myself crying silently while my amazing masseuse, Jan, worked at the mess of stress and ache that was my head and neck. I wasn’t crying because of the pain, but because the release of the muscles released some pent up emotions as well; emotions about the birth, about the woman I left behind when I became a mother, and about the swirling vortex that has become my life. It was also just a release of the exhaustion and sadness I have been fighting against for a long time now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy – in fact I’m incredibly grateful for the miracle that is my life right now – it is just that I’m tired and I long for some alone time, quiet and privacy. I would not trade this life for anything, but I would love to be alone for a day, without anyone talking to me, and without me having to speak at all. I want to read a book, and eat an un-rushed meal. I want to take a bath – while my children are cared for elsewhere, and I don’t have to worry about them – and be able to soak, quietly, without thought or time constraint. I want to work on a project or have a phone call without interruption. I want to have time alone with my husband, when we are both actually alert and not exhausted to the point of barely wanting to speak to each other let alone touch one another.
I know these things will come with time, and I have accepted that this is just my life for the next few years, at least until my children are a little more independent. I may get a small break here and there in the meantime – a visiting relative willing to babysit, a gifted free hour where my husband offers to watch both children, or a carefully planned date night – but it will never feel like enough for me. I’m an introvert despite my social nature, and I need that quiet time to recharge, and gain perspective. I get strung out otherwise, and unable to tolerate the noise and the stimulation of the world around me. I become depressed, irritable, and downright mean, and that just isn’t the person I want to be for my family.
One 20 minute workout and a short hour with a masseuse – being silently pampered and left to my own thoughts – was enough to clear my head and come home smiling once more. I felt euphoric and more present than I have been in days. I don’t know how I can find this kind of space in my life on a more regular basis, but I’m afraid if I don’t, that I will become unhappy and take it out on the ones I love. How do I carve out this time and claim it, so it can’t be taken away?
Okay, time’s up. Both kids are up and calling.